Jay jerked awake with a soft cry and then glanced at Chloe.  Had he woken her up?  He couldn't be sure.  Damn it.  Not again, he thought, letting out a sigh.  This was getting ridiculous.  And now he felt like he needed a shower, but that would wake her up for sure.  Screw it.  He was taking the risk.  Quietly, he got out of bed and headed for the bathroom, closing the door, removing his boxers and sweats, and then turning on the water, and stepping under the faucet once the water was at a temperature he was comfortable with.

As he soaped up, his eyes clouded.  Even though he knew he wasn't, he always felt dirty again after one of those dreams, hence the shower.  But he didn't want to bother Chloe with this.  He wasn't sure what she'd think if she knew all of the gory details.  Would she leave him?  Or would she just stay out of pity?  He then shook his head.  No, she wasn't like that.   Once he was fully lathered up, he once more stepped under the water and let the pellets wash away the soap.  Once he was done, he turned the water off and stepped out of the shower and slipped back into his sweatpants.  He then sighed as he looked into the mirror.  All he could see was what Rodiger had done to him back then.  It was still fresh in his mind.  There was no way he was getting back to sleep now...

Chloe felt Jay jerk and heard his cry, she lay still trying to give him a few moments to compose himself. She was just about to reach for him when she felt him get out of the bed. She didn’t know whether to follow him or not, deciding to give him some space she rolled over and watched the bathroom door. When she heard him cut on the shower she had to fight the urge to go join him, she wanted to help him but really didn’t know how to go about doing that. She figured that it would be best to give him some time and let him deal with things the way he normally did. The last thing she wanted to do was crowd him and make things worse and have him ask her to leave.

When she heard the shower cut off she sat up in the bed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom, she just wanted to hold him and let him know she was here. When Jay didn’t exit the bathroom right away Chloe stood and walked to the bathroom door, knocking lightly she stuck her head in and softly said “Hey.” Catching his eye in the mirror she moved up behind him. She noticed him stiffen some and stopped just short of him, watching his face in the mirror she wasn’t really sure how to proceed. Every part of her just wanted to hold him. Slowly Chloe wrapped her arms around him and placed a kiss on his shoulder, she asked “You ok?” She gave him a chance to pull away if he wanted before she laid her head on his back and just held him. She could hear his heart beating, and all she wanted to do was take away the pain he must be feeling.

Moving around him and leaning against the bathroom vanity she pulled him closer and looked at him. She fought the urge to kiss him, there was something about the haunted expression on his face that was breaking her heart. She wrapped her arms around him again and laid her head on his chest and just held him, she wasn’t sure if it was helping him at all but it was making her feel some better just to hold him close. Jay had been through so much and Chloe had a feeling that she didn’t know the half of it, she had decided a while ago that he’d open up to her at his own pace and it did no good whatsoever to try and push things. Chloe had been doing her best just to be there for him the best way she knew how, which usually consisted of holding him close and trying to show him that she was there for him and wasn’t going anywhere.

Kissing his chest before pulling back to look at him again she quietly asked, “Do you want to go lay down?” Chloe knew that even if he said no, she’d gladly stand there with him in the bathroom holding him for however long it took until he was ready to go somewhere else. She smiled up at him before she laid her head back on his chest for a moment. “I love you Jay…” Wow, where had that come from? She’d never told him that before, but she knew it was true. “Please let me help… tell me how I can help you.”

Jay's eyes flickered and he turned slightly as Chloe poked her head in, saying "Hey"
"Hey. Sorry did I wake you?" he asked. Was hoping I wouldn't, he thought to himself. But he wasn't surprised that he had to be honest. It was probably the shower that had done it. He then tensed slightly when she came up to him, but leaned into her touch, smiling as she placed her head on his chest, asking if he was okay. "No...but I will be. Nightmares," he confessed. And it was still fresh in his mind. One of the scenes in his dreams had been about the time he had fought back against Rodiger and he had cut him. However, in the dream, it had been different. But he didn't want to go there. He was with Chloe and he was safe. That's the only thing that mattered. That he was safe.

When she asked if he wanted to lay back down, he shook his head.
"Would rather stand. Just for a bit. Things are still fresh in my head. I don't think I could..." he trailed off. Don't think I can sleep, he thought. If he was alone, he'd already be aimlessly be flipping through the t.v. channels or watching a DVD. Anything to drive the memories out. But with Chloe, he already felt calmer, even though he wasn't ready to try to sleep again. At her declaration that she loved him, he smiled. "Love you too," he told her.

At her request that he tell her how to help him, he went to pull her close.
"You're already doing that," he assured her. I don't feel so freaked anymore, he thought to himself. "There's uh...there's a part of me that still feels like...like I'm dirty. Tainted. And I don't deserve you," he confessed. "Intellectually, I know this isn't true, but I still struggle with that sometimes." Granted, these days, those feelings didn't crop up unless he had had just had a nightmare, but they still came.

She nodded when he asked if he had woken her apologizing, “Yeah, but it’s ok.” If he hadn’t she wouldn’t have been awake to comfort him, and there was no part of her that wanted him to ever have to deal with things on his own again. She knew he had nightmares but had never been there to witness one firsthand before, she was in uncharted territory here but she figured that if she held him maybe her presence would remind him of what was real. She smiled against his chest when he leaned into her touch and nodded when he admitted that he wasn’t alright but that he would be. When he added that he’d had a nightmare she kissed his chest again, “I figured as much, I’ve been up for awhile but I figured you might need some space… didn’t want to crowd you.”

When Jay shook his head and said that he’d rather stand for a bit she nodded, “We can stand here for as long as you need or want… I’m not going anywhere unless you want me to.” Her heart ached at the thought that Jay had been dealing with this on his own for so long, but she was here now and he didn’t need to handle anything alone. Chloe was grateful that he hadn’t just pushed her away in an attempt to do it on his own, she didn’t feel like she was doing much but at least he knew that she was there for him.

She couldn’t help the smile on her face when he told her he loved her, and had it been under better circumstances she most likely would have already kissed him. With his assurance that she was already helping him she nodded and fell silent as he continued to speak. Chloe had to bite her lip to keep from crying when he confessed to feeling dirty and tainted and not deserving her. He needed her to be strong for him, not break down in tears right there in front of him. She didn’t want him to think that she pitied him either, as that couldn’t be further from the truth. Her heart was just breaking for all the pain and suffering the man she loved had been through.

When Jay finished speaking she did pull back slightly so that she could look him in the eye kiss him gently. “Jay… I, well I really have no idea what to say… other than I love you, and I’m here for you as long as you want me… there’s no need for you to deal with any of this alone anymore.” Her voice broke and a couple tears escaped from the corner of her eyes, “There’s nowhere I’d rather be… than here with you.” She leaned up to kiss him again.

Jay's eyes flickered a bit ash Chloe revealed that he had woken her up, saying that she had figured that he had a nightmare, that she had been up for a while but that she had figured that he had needed some space and didn't want to crowd him.
"Thanks. Appreciate it," he responded with a soft smile. So lucky to have her, he thought to himself. How had he gotten so lucky? It just didn't make any sense. He didn't deserve her, he knew this. And yet...here she was. Why?

He then smiled as she stated that they could stand there for as long as he needed or wanted, adding that she wasn't going anywhere, unless she wanted him to.
"I will never want you to go away," he told her. Okay, that sentence wasn't grammatically correct, but he didn't really care. He needed her here, and thankfully, she was willing to stay. How many people could say that they had someone who was so willing to stick by them through this kind of crap? Not very many, he knew. In that regard, he was lucky as hell. Just hope she never decides that it's too much and leaves, he thought to himself. After Allie, he wasn't sure he could take another rejection. Not that he blamed her. Her brother had been killed, and even with the revelation from Ashley that Rodiger had been abusing him too and had killed him to keep him from talking, there was still a small part of him that felt like it was his fault.

He then gave himself a mental shake and focused on Chloe as she admitted that she wasn't sure of what to say other than that she loved him and that she was there for him as long as he wanted her, adding that there wasn't a need for him to deal with the memories alone anymore, a couple of tears falling as she told him that there was no other place she'd rather be than with him, resulting in a smile.
"I love you too," he responded, smiling at her as he went to hold her close. Wonder if I should talk about it a little bit, he mused. Would it help or make things worse? Obviously, he wouldn't go into graphic detail with her, cause she really didn't need those images in her head too, but....

Chloe saw him smile when she said she’d stand there for as long as he wanted. When he told her that he’d never want her to go anywhere she wouldn’t have been able to hide the smile on her face if she’d wanted to. “I’m going to hold you too that, because I definitely don’t want to go anywhere.” Jay was amazing, and she wanted nothing more than to be with him and make him happy. There were days lately where she found herself asking what she’d done right to deserve this man in her life.

Chloe and Jay and recently started spending the night together which was probably dangerous, so she’d started toying with the idea of finding somewhere off base to live. While their relationship would still be against regulations, at least nobody would stop by and find her in his dorm. Chloe had been unusually happy lately, even her parents had noticed the change in her when she had called home to speak with them.

She had never been good with relationships, most of them had practically ended before they’d even had a chance to properly start. The few that had managed to be something halfway serious ended up coming to a screeching halt anytime the word deployment came up. Her biggest fear at this point was that Jay would decide for some reason to end things and she wasn’t sure she could take that if it happened. Chloe had finally found happiness with Jay and if that was taken away… no she refused to think about it.

As he told her again that he loved her and pulled her close she went willingly and let him hold her. “I’m sorry… pretty sure I’m not supposed to be crying while trying to help make you feel better. I’ll get it right one of these days.” She apologized with a small smile. “You know, if there’s ever anything you need to talk about…” She let the sentence trail off because she didn’t want him to feel like she was pressuring him. Laying her head back on his chest she closed her eyes breathing in the scent of his body wash and simply allowed herself to enjoy being held.

Jay's grin grew as Chloe said that she was going to hold him to his statement as he wasn't going anywhere.
"Good," he said. And he didn't want her to. Being with her like this made him feel alive again. Made him feel special. And now he sounded like a damn girl. Awesome. Oh well. She was amazing. How had he gotten so lucky? He didn't deserve her and they both knew it. And yet, here she was. So lucky, he thought to himself. He needed to figure out how he had gotten so lucky. It just didn't make any sense. He wasn't anyone special. Hell, he was damaged as hell and she knew it. The fact that she had had to come check on him because of a nightmare was a prime example.

When she apologized for crying when she was trying to make him feel better, saying that she'd get it right one day, he shook his head and smiled as he went to wipe the tears away.
"You're doing nothing wrong," he assured her. "I'm sorry if it seemed like I was shutting you out. It's just...after one a nightmare like that...I usually...I had to feel clean again," he confessed, his voice dropping to a whisper. Now that he had said that out loud, he was well aware of how stupid that was. He hadn't been that boy in a long time. Still, sometimes it was hard to remember that...

Chloe smiled as she watched him grin. His smile always made her feel special, but knowing that she helped put that smile there… well she couldn’t describe the feeling that it gave her other than it was good. Jay wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for her. She knew bits and pieces of what he’d been through and that was enough to make her want to take the pain away forever. Sometimes she got the feeling that Jay felt like he didn’t deserve her, and she wished that there was something she could do to show him otherwise. As far as she was concerned he deserved better than her, he was amazing. She held him close never wanting to let go.

She leaned her head into his hand as he wiped her tears away and smiled when he assured her that she wasn’t doing anything wrong. She shook her head when he mentioned it seeming like he was shutting her out, “You’re not shutting me out babe, and I know that… I just wish there was more I could do to help.” She felt a few more tears slip down her cheek when whispered that after a nightmare like that he needed to feel clean again, and did the only thing she could think to do and that was to lay her head on his chest and hold him close.

Chloe was pretty sure that this wasn’t how this was supposed to go, she was supposed to be making him feel better… not the other way around. She clung to him and couldn’t bring herself to want to turn him loose, “Jay… I… if there’s anything I can do, anything at all… I need you to tell me. I don’t want you to feel like I’m smothering you but I want to be here for you, I just don’t know how… and I feel like I’m going about it all wrong. Should I have stayed in bed, or come in here sooner? I need you to let me know so I can help, otherwise I just feel useless.” She bit her lip and looked up at him, “I mean it… whatever you need. I’ve never loved anyone quite this much and I just want to be here for you… whenever you need me.”

Jay smiled in relief as Chloe assured him that he wasn't shutting her out, saying that she wished that there was more she could do to help, laying her head on his chest as she said this.
"You're doing it," he assured her. Don't know what I'd do without her, he thought to himself. "You here is what I need," he said, going to wipe the tears away. Hate that I made her cry, he thought to himself. That hadn't been his intention. But the fact that she cared about him that much was kind of nice. He hadn't had that in a while and to be honest, he was grateful for it. Chloe was...she was amazing. He wasn't sure what he had done to deserve her, but he was glad that she was here.

His smile then grew as she requested that if there was anything that she could do for him to tell her, adding that she wanted to help him without smothering him, saying that she was probably going about it all wrong, wondering if she should've stayed in bed or come to him sooner, asking him again to tell her because she felt useless, adding that she'd give him whatever he needed and that she had never loved anyone as much as she did him and that she just wanted to be there for him whenever he needed her. How'd I get so lucky? he wondered.
"Hey, you've done nothing wrong. This was perfect," he assured, going to give her a kiss. Without her, he'd be completely lost, he was sure of it.