Jay's eyes clouded as he drove up to the residence.  Not really crazy about the fact that I have to do this, but not gonna complain, he thought to himself.  He knew that the brass was just looking out for him by making sure that he dealt with the ambush on the convoy, but it didn't mean that he liked having to meet up with someone, even if Ashley was pretty cool.  Not that he was against therapy.  He had been in therapy before as a teen because of Phil Rodiger, but this was different.  He wasn't about to admit it, but there was a part of him that was afraid that he was unfit for duty and that he was fooling himself by doing this---that he was just prolonging the inevitable.  No, he couldn't think like that!  He was still able to do his duty and the people above him weren't the type to just toss someone aside.  He just had to bite the bullet so to speak and continue what he was doing.  After all, he was still having the occasional nightmare about the ambush and it would probably help to talk about it.

He then gave himself a mental shake and parked in front of Ashley's house and turned off the engine, got out of the car, pocketed the keys, and then walked up to the door, knocking on the wood.  He hated the fact that he was in therapy again, but hey, on the plus side, he didn't have to work with a therapy dog this time around.  After the Rodiger debacle, he had been a freaking mess, even though he tried to pretend that he was just fine.  He had been so convinced that his parents were going to want to pretend that it hadn't even happened, especially his dad.  However, they had been really supportive and had jumped at every suggestion thrown at them to help him heal.  And now he was having to heal from something else.  Well, at least this time he didn't have to worry about people talking behind his back...

Ashley feels bad for having to ask Jay to come to her home for this meeting, but something came up with her old office and she moved out before she had anywhere else lined up. Truthfully she has rearranged most of her schedule off on other therapists for the time being so that she doesn't have to see patients in her home, but with Jay she knows she can't ask someone else to see him for her. He would never talk to anyone else, it took her forever to get him to the point where he would even bring up anything that happened. She also has a monthly report to file so that he can keep his position in the Army.

She hears the knocking on the door and knows that Jay has arrived for his session. She opens the door to see him standing on her front porch. "Hey Jay, thanks for agreeing to meet here this time. Hopefully by next time I'll have somewhere else for us to meet." She gestures for him to enter her home closing the door behind him. She leads him to the living room where she takes a seat in a big brown recliner curling a leg up underneath of her, she clicks off the television and points at the sofa. "Make yourself comfortable Jay, can I get you anything to drink?"

Every time she meets him she feels like she has to break down his defenses again, then again knowing what all he's been through those defenses are probably the only thing keeping him together. "What's going on in that head of yours Jay? It's been awhile since I've seen or heard from you, too long really. You're normally quiet...but this is taking it to a whole new level. You know by now that this isn't going to be nearly as painful as you build it up to be, you know you can talk to me."

Jay smiled as Ashley thanked him for meeting her at her house, saying that she'd hopefully have a place for them to meet in the next month.
"Of course," he replied. "And don't worry about it. Location's not a big deal," he assured. And it wasn't. Was it a little weird being inside his therapist's house? Yeah, but that didn't mean that it bothered him. And besides, the sooner he got through all of the therapy, the sooner he could move on. Not that he was trying to rush things, mind you. He knew that this type of thing couldn't be rushed. Hell, it had taken him this long just to open up about the attack. When sat down and told him to make himself comfortable, asking if she could get him anything to drink, he shook his head and sat across from her. "Nah, I'm good. Thanks." Hate that she feels like she has to play hostess, he thought to himself. She didn't. This wasn't a social visit. It was work and she wasn't required to offer him anything.

When she asked him what was going on in his head, saying that it had been too long since they had seen each other and that he was quieter than normal, telling him he could talk to her and that that opening up wouldn't be as painful as he was building it up to be, he shrugged.
"What if this is just a waste of time? What if I'm just putting off the inevitable? I mean, come on, have you ever heard of a soldier in therapy being able to remain on active duty?" he wondered. Especially since this is my second time, he thought to himself. But he wasn't going to mention that. His first stint in therapy wasn't relevant to what was going on currently. Still...what if the best way to get through this was to just put it out of his mind and act like the attack on the convey had never happened?

OOC
I don't know if someone would still be able to serve if they were in therapy, but I figured it would be something Jay would worry about.

Ignoring his answer to the negative Ashley gets up going to the kitchen and grabs two bottles of water. Tossing one to Jay she says "I know you said you didn't want anything, but just in case you change your mind...I don't want to have to get up again." She laughs as she settles herself back in her chair. Opening her water and taking a drink as she listens to him voice his fear.

"What if this is just a waste of time? What if I'm just putting off the inevitable? I mean, come on, have you ever heard of a soldier in therapy being able to remain on active duty?" She tilts her head to the side and looks at him. "All the time, who do you think ninety percent of my patients are? So if that's what has you all tied up in knots, you can let it go. If I didn't feel you were fit for duty, you wouldn't still be on active duty. It's as simple as that. Granted most of my patients aren't ordered to see me with the same requirements as you but...seriously I have a caseload full of both active and inactive military personnel. I wouldn't have a profitable practice here if I didn't."

"So now that we've moved past that concern, maybe we can move on to something a little more important and you won't avoid me until the last minute next month. So any new developments since last month? How are you sleeping? Eating? Are you getting out any socializing with people like I suggested?"

When she tossed him a bottle of water, he quickly caught it, nodding as she said that she had brought in case he changed his mind because she didn't want to have to get up again.
"Fair enough," he stated. He probably wouldn't change his mind, but he could understand where she was coming from. He didn't much like getting up after he was comfortable himself, so why would anyone else? He then sat down and placed the bottle of water on a coaster. Though most likely wasn't going to open it, there was no need to get rings on her table from the condensation of the bottle. No, this was better. More polite.

Jay's eyes flickered as she said that she had heard of soldiers being in therapy while still being on active duty, asking him who he thought most of her patients were, adding that if that was what had him worried he could relax since she would've said something if she didn't think he was fit for duty.
"Right," he said softly, listening as she continued on, saying that while most of her patients didn't have the same stipulations he did, she did have a full caseload of active and inactive military personnel, and that without them, her practice wouldn't have been been profitable. She's got a point, he thought to himself. He supposed he was just a bit nervous as the last time he had been in therapy, his peers had been less than supportive. Not that a lot of people knew that he was in therapy now, but still...the old insecurities tended to creep in sometimes.

He gave himself a mental shake as Ashley began speaking again, saying that they could move onto more important matters and he wouldn't avoid her until the last moment, asking him how he was eating and sleeping, and if he was out socializing like she had suggested.
"Appetite's back. Sleep schedule's still a little off, and I ran into someone at the gym when I went at a later time than I usually do because my alarm got shut off," he responded. He still wasn't too happy about that, but at least he had been able to use it in his answer for today.

Ashley notices that he doesn't open the bottle of water, and takes the time to politely set it on a coaster. Jay's nothing if not polite. "You're taking that bottle with you, whether you drink it here or not. I know I don't have to play hostess and this is official business, but I offer water at the office too."

She listens to jay, hearing both what he is and isn't saying. "At least your appetite is back, that's a step in the right direction. You not sleeping bothers me though, you need to sleep in order to function at the top of your game. Do you think you need a little something to help you sleep? Nothing to strong of course...just enough to slow down that overactive mind of yours enough to let you sleep." She knows that he'll probably turn her down before she even asks, but she has to ask. "What do you think is keeping you from sleeping like you need to? Are you still having nightmares?"

She smiles and shakes her head at the last bit of information he gives her. Typical Jay, she can imagine that he was probably quite upset when his alarm hadn't gone off and had been in some kind of mood when he went to the gym that day. She's glad that he's meeting people, but disappointed that it's at the gym and only because his alarm didn't go off. "So this person you ran into at the gym...did you actually speak to them?... and are you planning on running into them again? Or are you just throwing that out there to try and get me off your case? You forget I know you." She laughs.

She's used to Jay's short and one word answers at this point, but she's still working on trying to draw him out of his shell a little further.

Jay nodded as Ashley said that he was taking the bottle home wit him whether or not he drank it, and that even though she didn't have to play hostess, she still offered water at her office.
"You got it," he agreed. Hey, it was a minor thing, so why split hairs over it? And besides, he'd probably need the water at some point, so why not take it with him? Yeah, that sounded good. And besides, it'd make Ashley happy, which was always a good thing. Well, in his mind at least.

He then leaned back as she said that it was good that his appetite was back, but that she was concerned that his sleep schedule was still off, reminding him that he needed enough sleep so that he could function at the top of his game, asking if he thought some sleep aids would help, assuring him that they would only be strong enough to stop his mind from racing as he slept.
"No, no sleep aids. I took some as a teen for a bit but I didn't like the way they made me feel when I woke up. Too groggy, like accidentally taking too large a dose of NyQuil," he replied with a shake of his head. No, sleep aids were a bad idea. He slept too deep and then woke up groggy, like he said. And in this line of work, that kind of thing could get him killed. Or worse, someone else.

When she asked him why he thought he wasn't sleeping well still, wondering if she was still having nightmares, he nodded.
"Some, yeah," he admitted. "My sleep pattern had actually been pretty good until earlier this week, but---" Realizing what he was about to say, he cut himself off. No need to mention the phone call he had gotten earlier that weak. For a moment, his mind went back:

Jay had almost made it out the door when his cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the "talk" button.
'Halstead here," he announced.
"Jay, it's Brian McNamera," a male voice announced.
"Yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"There's no easy to tell you this and I didn't want you to be blindsided by this, but----"
"He's out." Even as he said this, he could feel his whole body trying to tense.
"Yeah. Released for good behavior."   No, no, no, no! He did not want to deal with this.

He gave himself a mental shake. There was no need to dwell on that. So Rodiger was out. He had no way of getting to him. And yet, there was still a part of him that was scared as hell that he was going to try something. He then focused on Ashley again as she began talking again, asking if he had talked to the person he had run into at the gym, if he was going to plan on seeing them again, if he was just throwing it out there to get her off of his back, reminding him that she knew.
"We talked a little during the workout, went to lunch afterwards, and yeah, I'd like to see her again," he responded. Okay, so he was telling her a little more than he usually would, but he didn't care.

"My sleep pattern had actually been pretty good until earlier this week, but---" Ashley senses a shift in him and can tell that he's stopped talking intentionally to keep from telling her something. She sees the far away look in his eyes and can tell that he's remembering whatever it was that happened earlier this week that disturbed his sleep pattern. "Hey, what is it? Jay? Something happened earlier this week that disturbed you...do you want to talk about it?" She asks watching him struggle with whatever is going on in his head, at first she's not even sure he's heard her.

Talking during the workout was good, lunch afterwards even better...whoa wait a minute "Her?" The question pops out before she realizes it. She figures that he's been trying to throw her off with some random encounter at the gym. She smiles, "So you met a girl? That's great." Ashley is surprised that he actually went to lunch with someone, and him admitting that he'd like to see her again. "That's great Jay, what are you going to do about wanting to see her again...You should contact her and set something up." Yes, Ashley was being pushy but sometimes people needed a gentle push to head them in the right direction. Ashley could care less who this girl was but the fact that Jay was showing some interest in making some type of connection with another person was a step in the right direction, and well if it turns out badly Ashley will just have to deal with the fallout later. Getting him to take the first step has taken long enough, hopefully it will get easier from here on out.

Going back to her previous question, "Jay what happened earlier this week that has you so upset that you can't sleep? Talking about it will help, whether or not I say anything at all...getting whatever it is that's bothering you out there in the open is bound to help. It's really easy to twist things around in our own heads, but usually hearing them out loud and getting someone else's perspective on them helps." She assures him.

Ashley's voice broke through Jay's reverie and he focused on her as she asked him what was going on and whether or not he wanted to talk about what had disturbed him earlier in the week.
"No, uh....not relevant to what we're doing here," he responded. No, Rodiger was part of his past that he had dealt with a long time ago. Had he been startled when he had heard that he was getting released? Of course, who wouldn't have? But that didn't mean he had to get into it with her. Other than a few nightmares since the news, he hadn't even really thought of the man being released.

His lips curved into a smirk as the psychiatrist pounced on the fact that he had referenced a female, asking him if he had met a girl, adding that it was good that he had.
"Yeah, I met a girl," he replied. "She's amazing. Kind, funny, smart...." Yeah, he could go on all day, so better to stop there while he was ahead of things. He then smiled as she said that it was good that he wanted to see her again, asking him what he planned to do to make it happen, suggesting he call her. "Yeah, I probably will," he responded. He had had a good time, and he felt normal when he was with her. so yeah, he would definitely call her.

And she was back to what had happened earlier that week, asking him what had happened to cause him to lose sleep, saying that talking about it would help, that it was easy to twist things around in your head, and that saying them out loud and getting another perspective on a situation helped. I never talked about Rodiger to anyone but Madeline, he thought to himself. Then again, Madeline wasn't here and Ashley was.
"I got a call from a cop...he....uh....worked a case I had been involved in. Let me know that the perp was out," he responded. Okay, so he wasn't saying that he was a kid when he had been involved in the case. That didn't matter. "It just...it threw me. Figured he was going to stay locked up."

Ashley grinned when Jay mentioned that what happened wasn't relevant to what they were doing here, "Jay, everything's relevant...from what happened five minutes ago to what happened twenty five years ago...it's all relevant in some way it's all a part of what makes you who you are...and if it's keeping you from sleeping it's even more so," She assured him. "You're still keeping things from me, and that's completely your right to do so...but just know that I can only help you as much as you'll let me. It's perfectly normal to have things that you don't want to share with anyone, and I'm not going to pressure you...If and when you feel you need to discuss them, just know I'm here. No judgement, just a friendly listening ear."

She changed the subject then to one that he seemed a little more willing to talk about, "So this girl you're all excited about...tell me about her? Amazing, kind, funny, and smart...sounds like a good start." Ashley's not so much interested in the actual girl but more so in the fact that Jay's excited about someone and is wanting to spend more time with them. She has been really worried about Jay not interacting with others much, preferring to keep to himself. So recently she had been pressuring him to get out and socialize more, she would have been almost as thrilled if he had mentioned hanging out with the guys, but maybe a girl was even better. Having someone he could talk to and trust that he'd found on his own would do Jay a world of good, She knew that he only talked to her because he felt like he was being forced to. "She must be quite the girl if she has Jay Halstead willing to call her and see her again. I'm happy for you Jay, just take things slow...feel her out and make sure she's really who she says she is." She likes to think that she'd give the same advice to almost anyone, but she's a bit protective over Jay and would hate to see him hurt.

Jay nodded as Ashley assured him that everything was relevant, whether it had happened five minutes or twenty-five years ago as it made him who he was, and that if it was keeping him from sleeping, it was even more relevant. Well, she does have a point there, he mused to himself. IF things were getting that bad, maybe he should confide in her. But then again, did he really wanting her knowing what had happened to him back then?
"Just...it's stuff that happened a long time ago," he said. And as he had said, irrelevant to what was going on currently. So yeah, not mentioning it for the time being. His eyes then flickered as she said that he was keeping things from her, which was his right, reminding him that he could talk to her at any time with no judgment and that she wasn't trying to pressure him but offer a listening ear. "I know," he responded. And it was appreciated. He just wasn't sure if he should cop to it.

He grinned as she brought the topic back to Chloe, saying that she sounded like a great girl, and that she must've been quite a girl for him to want to see her again, cautioning him to take it slow.
"I know. And I will," he said. "I don't really know if it'll go anywhere but at the very least, I'm getting out more," he stated. And now he just sounded desperate. Awesome. Not something he was too fond of to be honest. But it wasn't like there was anything he could do about it. And hey, at least, she wasn't asking about why he wasn't sleeping anymore. Although, he supposed he should go into detail about it. After all, wasn't that what therapy was all about? Exorcising your demons? Not that he hadn't talked about him to Madeline, but still...

"Once again, I specialize in stuff that happened a long time ago...and figuring out a way to cope with it. I can't change what happened, but together we can work through it and change the way it affects you. That however is the last I'm going to say on the subject, because I'm here and as they say the rest is up to you." She smiled at him genuinely, she liked Jay he really was a good kid that she suspected had been through way more than anyone should ever have to go through.

She had a feeling that Jay's issue was not in fact dealing with the ambush, granted the ambush was bad enough by itself but she had a feeling that this stemmed from something further in his past. Something that he thought had been buried, and the ambush had just knocked the dust off of it and the recent phone call had shaken him enough to cause the new nightmares. If Ashley was completely honest with her superiors in this matter she'd tell him Jay had already worked his own way through dealing with the ambush, but she wasn't entirely ready to do that because what he was burying deeper that was keeping him from moving completely past things and she had to give him the time to trust her enough with it.

"It's great that you're getting out more...but you can hang out with the guys too. I'm pretty familiar with this town and I know there are plenty of young men around your age that go out and party and have fun. Don't get me wrong I'm not telling you to go out and get drunk every night, but there's no harm in going out and having fun...whether it's with this girl, whatever her name is, or with a group of friends." She wants Jay to hang out with friends, get back to the activities that were normal for him before the ambush. The more normal his activities are, the more normal he'll feel and feeling normal goes a long way towards a good nights sleep.

Jay nodded as Ashley reminded him that she specialized in stuff that had happened a long time ago as well as figuring out a way to cope with it, saying that even though she couldn't change what had happened, she could help him work through things as well as change the way it affected him, saying that she wasn't going to say anymore on the subject as it was up to him. Should I trust her with this? he wondered. What if she looked at him differently when she found out? it wasn't like she was Madeline.
"It's just something I worked through a long time ago. Took me by surprise," he answered. That was an understatement if he had ever stated one. He hadn't expected Rodiger to be released. But at least he wouldn't be coming after him this time around. After all, he no longer lived in Chicago and Phil Rodiger had no reason to move to Tiernney. Yeah and maybe if he kept telling himself that, he would eventually stop freaking out. But could he really be blamed for freaking? The guy who had used him as a freaking toy was out on parole. Granted, he was in a completely different state, but there was a part of him that felt like that young boy.

His eyes then flickered as she said that while it was good that he was getting out more, he could hang out with some of his guy friends, saying that she was pretty familiar with the town and that she knew that there were plenty of guys his age, he could hang out with, quickly adding that she wasn't telling him to go out and get drunk every night, but that he could easily hang out with his guy friends as well as the girl he had met.
"I know," he said. And he did. He wasn't actually hiding from someone. Was he? He didn't think he was, but maybe he was. He just wasn't sure anymore.

He let out a sigh and leaned back in his seat. He wasn't sure what to do here. He had played off the Rodiger thing like it had been something he had taken care of as a cop, when it was so much more. Just wish I knew what to do, he thought to himself.
"The call was about someone I had known as a kid. Something that happened back then. It, uh...it wasn't a good situation," he said.

Ashley watched Jay's reactions as she spoke to him and then listened to what he had to say. "Whatever it is that happened a long time ago, that you worked through...you know you can trust me with it, no matter what it is. Right?" She took in his facial expressions and watched him while she gave him some time to work through whatever it was that was going on in his head.

"You know sometimes the things that happen when we're younger are harder to get over than things that happen when we get older, simply because we were so emotionally and mentally immature and powerless at the time. It's hard for our minds now to grasp that there really was nothing at all that we could have done any differently at the time. Your mind constantly telling you well why didn't I...I should have, when in reality you did the only thing you knew to do at the time. That's the thing, when you're a kid when something happens you're not emotionally or physically prepared to handle it...and you shouldn't have to be, but you just do the best that you can at the time. As we age and grow emotionally and then look back on something, the solution suddenly seems so simple...but what we forget to take into account is that we were only a child at the time, and we weren't able to make that choice."

Ashley was speaking in broad general terms, because she honestly had no idea what type of trauma Jay had suffered, or what it was that he'd been through but she could tell it was something serious. She was just hoping that something she had said would possibly get through to him and help him see that he could trust her with whatever it was. She knew better than to tell him that she'd heard it all before, because that was the thing you never knew when a client was going to surprise you with something worse than you could imagine. But whatever it was that he had suffered through as a child she was sure it wouldn't change her opinion of him, because he had made it through and grown into a very honorable decent man.

When Jay sat back in the chair, Ashley could tell that he was struggling with exactly what all he wanted to tell her. She was really hoping that Jay was coming around to trusting her. When he finally opened up and admitted that the phone call was about someone that he had known as a kid, and something that had happened back then she nodded at him and remained silent for a bit hoping that he would continue to elaborate if she gave him a chance.

Jay's eyes flickered and he nodded as Ashley asked him if he remembered that he could trust her with whatever he was struggling with, even if he had dealt with it as a kid.
"I know," he assured. I just don't know if I wanna talk about it, he thought to himself. What good would come of it? It wasn't like the guy would ever come to Tierney, but the fact of the matter was that as soon as he had heard that Rodiger was out, Jay had started to feel like that thirteen-year old boy who had been abused all over again. And that's what didn't make sense to him. Why would he feel that way when he had already dealt with this a long time ago?

He then listened as the woman went on, saying that sometimes that the things that happened to people when they were harder to get over than things that happened to them when they were older because they were so emotionally fragile and mentally immature as well as powerless that it was harder for their adult minds to grasp that there was nothing that could've been done, often going over the what ifs and should've dones, that it was sometimes hard to remember that they had been a child and that they had done the only thing they could because they weren't really equipped to make a choice. Should I tell her? he wondered. Was this really in her purview? She was a military therapist, and what he was dealing with...it had nothing to do with the military.

He stayed silent, leaning back, his eyes clouding. Aw, the hell with it. What's the worst that could happen? he wondered. It wasn't like she'd act like the kids in school. No, he was a pretty good judge of character, and he had a feeling he knew how she'd react.
"I recently found out that the guy who molested me as a kid was released. Good behavior or some crap like that," he responded. "Honestly, I thought it was all behind me. I was in therapy for it for years, I got the therapy dog. Eventually, the nightmares and stuff went away. But when I got that call...." he shrugged. "Part of me felt like that sixteen-year old who wasn't sure he wanted to testify."