Hearing what Jay revealed to her she stood from her chair and went to sit beside him, she placed a hand on his shoulder as she spoke. "I know that was hard for you to say, because it was hard for me to hear. However now that it's out in the open we can start working through it... The good news is that you're already expressing how it makes you feel. I'm sure logically you know that the chances that you will ever see this monster again are slim to none, but sometimes logic doesn't play much of a role in how we feel or deal with situations." She studied Jay as she spoke.

She couldn't even fathom what Jay was going through, did she feel bad for what he'd been through... definitely, but did she pity him? No, she was proud of him and the fact that he'd come out the other side of this abuse a stronger man and had gone on to make something great of himself spoke volumes about the type of person he truly was. "I'm proud of you, you know. You endured something horrible, and came out of it a strong, honorable, and brave young man. Most people don't... most people let something like this ruin their whole life, you didn't... and you're not going to start now. We're going to get past this again, I promise."

She leaned back and smiled reassuringly, "So is there anything else that you want to talk about? Like what kind of nightmares you're having? Anything else going on in your life at all? Doesn't even have to be related to what we've discussed so far." She was far from done discussing Jay's abuse, but knew that making an admission as big as he just made can take a lot out of a person and sometimes a temporary change of subject could be a good thing.

Jay fell silent and nodded as Ashley stood up and walked up to him and said that she knew how hard it had been for him to admit what had happened to him as it had had been hard for her to hear, sitting down and placing a hand on his knee as she did so, adding that they could start working through it as he had already said how it made him feel, surmising that he logically knew that he'd never see Rodiger again, but that logic didn't always factor in how a person felt about a situation.
"Yeah. And given the fact that that he's probably going back to Chicago while I'm here, there's even less chance that I'll run into him," he confirmed. Still, that didn't stop him from panicking a bit. When he was a kid, he had always seemed to know just when he was about to come clean to someone and had done something to deter him. And he supposed that there was a small part of him that was still afraid of that.

His eyes flickered as she said that she was proud him, saying that he had come out honorable, strong, and brave, reminding him that a lot of people let their experience ruin their lives, promising him that he'd get past it again.
"Yeah," he said quietly. Would he really, though? It had taken him years of therapy the first time around. First to deal with the guilt over what had been done to him---which of course, he knew now hadn't been his fault---and second to get over the guilt he felt over Ben's death. That one---yeah, totally his fault. If he hadn't gotten involved with Alyssa, Rodiger wouldn't have used Ben to try to keep him from testifying.

When she asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about, wondering about the nightmares that he had been having and if there was anything else going on in his life that he wanted to talk about, assuring him that it didn't even have to be about anything they had already discussed, he shrugged.
"Things are just getting jumbled. It goes from old nightmares I had as a kid to some stuff from past missions, not necessarily the convoy though. Had a couple of close calls before then and my mind's been...mixing things around," he confessed. Yeah, he had been tortured once, but he hadn't been assaulted by them. And thankfully, it hadn't been for as long as it could've been. Mouse had led a rescue mission and had gotten him out.

OOC
Hope it's okay that I made up some stuff. I figured that it'd be plausible that he was captured/tortured at least once during his career.

“Just because you know and understand that he’s going back to Chicago, and there’s little to no chance you’ll ever see the man again… doesn’t mean that the kid in your head does. A shock like this can stir up all kinds of thoughts, feelings, and emotions that we thought were all locked away tight. It’s a completely normal reaction.” She assured Jay, but she could sense that there was something more to it. Trying to decide whether to keep pushing, or let him come out with it when he felt comfortable enough to do so she asked, “Is there something else about what happened that’s bothering you, maybe something that you never quite worked through the first time?”

She could tell that he didn’t believe something that she’d just told him, not sure if it was that he didn’t believe that she should or could be proud of him or maybe he doubted that he could get past everything again. “Spill it… normally I’d let you come to me in your own time, but I’d like to be alive when I hear what it is so that we can figure out how to get you past it. Either you don’t think I should be proud of you for what you did, or you doubt my ability to help you work all of this out. Plus, there’s still something you’re not telling me, and my intuition tells me that it’s something big. Maybe something you either haven’t told anyone before… or tried to gloss over so you didn’t have to deal with it. Therapy only works as well as you let it. Now we’ll take things at your pace and only discuss what you’re willing to discuss, but I wanted you to know that I’m here… and I’m not going away or giving up until we figure this out. You deserve to be free of these demons, free to move on and live your life.”

When he talked about his nightmares she smiled sadly and nodded, she’d seen it before. It was common in people that had suffered multiple traumas in their life for them to all jumble together. “So tell me what you can remember about these nightmares. Maybe that’s a good place to start, for now. Jay you’ve had so many bad things happen to you in your lifetime, you deserve to work past this and all the guilt so that you’ll realize that you deserve to be happy and maybe you’ll start allowing good things to happen to you… instead of pushing them all away.”

OOC
Perfectly fine with me. Gave Ashley something else to work with, I hope she’s making sense. I’m trying to channel my inner shrink and I’m not sure I really have one so I'm winging it lol.

Jay's eyes clouded a bit and he nodded as the major reminded him that just because he knew that he and Rodiger wouldn't run into each other because he was in Tierney and the man would be in Chicago, it didn't mean that the kid inside him realized that, telling him that something like this would bring up all sorts of feelings and emotions that he had thought that he had buried and that it was a normal reaction.
Yeah. Something like that," he said softly. He couldn't deny that there had been a spark of fear when he had heard the news that Phil was out. When she asked him if there was something else that had happened, that he had never been able to work through.
"No," he answered quickly. He wasn't about to tell her that he had gotten Ben killed. She would never understand.

Almost as if she was reading his mind again, she told him to come clean, saying that she would normally let him come clean in his own time but that she'd like to be alive to hear what it was so that she could help him get past it, saying that he either didn't think she should be proud of him for something or that he didn't trust in her ability to help him get past it.
"That's not it at all. It's just...complicated," he objected. Ally had never forgiven him for Ben's death, and why should she? It was his fault. If he hadn't been testifying against Phil, Ben would still be alive.

He then fell silent again as she continued on, saying that whatever he was struggling with was something that was big, hadn't told anyone before, or had glossed over, reminding him that therapy only worked as well as he'd let it.
"I know," he said. How can I tell her this? How can I admit what I did to Ben? he wondered. He then nodded as she said that they'd go at his pace and only discuss what he wanted to, reassuring him that she was there for him and that she wasn't going away until they figured things out saying that he deserved to be free of his demons and to move on with his life. "Like I said, it's complicated," he said commented. She'd never understand, he thought to himself. He couldn't tell her. No, this was something he had to keep to himself.

His eyes then flickered as she urged him to tell him what he could remember about the nightmares, suggesting that it was a good place to start as he had so many bad things happen and that he deserved to work past all the guilt and to be happy, saying that maybe he'd start to allow good things to happen to him rather than pushing it all away. I---I can't, he thought to himself. But maybe it would be a good thing. He just didn't know. He then let out a sigh.
"It was my fault. I got him killed," he admitted softly. Ally had tried to stick by him after the trial, but she couldn't. She had been too heartbroken about Ben. And he didn't blame her one little bit. Hell, he blamed himself....

Jay answered her question a little too quickly for her liking, she smiled at him knowingly. “Something else happened, but you don’t want to talk about it. Which is fine, but just remember the sooner we get you past whatever this is… and I have a feeling that it’s big, the sooner you’ll start to feel better.” She watched Jay process everything and almost wanted to reach out and hold him, watching him go through all of this again was making her physically hurt for him. She took a few breaths to steady herself as she continued to watch Jay struggle.

When he pulled out the whole ‘It’s complicated’ routine she smiled at him, “Is that like it’s complicated and it’s not you it’s me? You’re blaming yourself for something, aren’t you? Nothing that happened in any of your dealings with this monster was your fault, you couldn’t have done anything to change any of the outcomes. You were a child, an innocent child that should have never been forced to face what you did. That’s the thing about monsters like this Jay they’re good at twisting things and making things seem like they’re your fault when in fact there was nothing you could have done any differently. The sooner we get you to realize this the better.” Now she really wanted to hug him, maybe it was just her motherly instinct kicking in because she could only imagine what Jay was dealing with.

She watched him as he grew silent and listened to her, she could tell that she wasn’t really getting through to him. When he pulled out the trusty complicated line again, she had to keep herself from snorting. “I’m a complex person, life is complicated doesn’t mean you get to give up on it. I’m not giving up on you Jay, no matter how many sessions this takes, I’m not giving up. I’m also a very stubborn person.” Normally she wouldn’t push this hard but she could tell he was on the verge of telling her something big and the sooner it was out in the open the sooner they could deal with it.

It almost killed her when he whispered that it was his fault, that he had gotten someone killed. She reached and placed a hand on his shoulder as she spoke in a soothing comforting tone, “Oh Jay… nothing in this whole mess was your fault. I just wish that there was some way I could prove that to you. This person that was killed, I’m sure you had no control over the situation. So unless you physically killed this person, there was absolutely nothing you could have done to stop it. It was just another tactic that was used to manipulate you. No wonder this has you so torn up, no child or human being for that matter should ever have to deal with what you’ve gone through in your life. The fact that you’re still here, the man you are today… amazes me. It’s time to forgive yourself for something you had no control over and allow yourself to live your life. You deserve it.”

Jay was silent as Ashley stated that she had a feeling that something else that had happened, something that was big enough that he didn't want to talk about it, saying that it was fine, reminding him that the sooner they talked about it, the sooner he'd start to feel better. He shrugged as his eyes clouded. He wasn't really sure if he would ever feel better about Ben's death. And why should he? If he had just kept his mouth shut, he'd still be alive. That being said, he wasn't sure if he would've been able to survive what Rodiger had been doing to him for much longer.

His eyes then flickered as she asked if he meant "it's complicated" like what it usually meant, mentioning the "It's not you, it's me" line, saying that it was obvious he was holding something back, reminding him that none of what had happened with Rodiger had been his fault, going on to say that it was how predators worked, convincing their victims that what had happened was their fault when it wasn't and that he had been an innocent child and that there hadn't been anything he could've done.
"I could've kept my damn mouth shut!" he snapped. "if I had then---" He quickly cut himself off. No need to go into all that.

He leaned back, listening as she stated that she was a complex person, that even though life was complicated, that didn't mean a person gave up, telling him that she wouldn't give up on him, no matter how many sessions it took, telling him that she was incredibly stubborn. Don't I know it? he thought to himself. She could be like a pit bull at times, though he supposed that was necessary in her line of work. He just had to get her to see why he didn't want to talk. But how did he do that without telling her the truth about Ben? He couldn't tell her that. He couldn't. She'd never understand.

His eyes flickered a bit and he fought not to flinch as she leaned forward to place a hand on his shoulder, saying that nothing with Rodiger had been his fault and that she wished she had a way to prove that, adding that there hadn't been anything he could've to stop it unless he had physically killed Ben, reminding him that it had been another tactic used to manipulate him, adding that it was time that he forgave himself for what had happened and to take back the control in his life, which is what he deserved.
""I deserve"?" he echoed, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice as he jumped up. "I got Ben killed! He's on me!"

Ashley startled a bit when he snapped at her that he could have kept his damn mouth shut simply because it was so unlike Jay who up until that point had been quiet and calm. She quickly regained her composure when he cut off his next sentence and went silent again. Ashley calmly and quietly asked him, "Jay, if you had kept your mouth shut... what would have happened to you? Where would you be today? How many other children would that monster have gone on to take advantage of?"

When Jay jumped up and insisted that he got Ben killed and that was on him, she sighed and remained silent long enough for Jay to regain his composure. "Why don't you take a couple drinks of that water and maybe step outside and get some fresh air? When you're ready I'd like you to come have a seat again. I promise we're almost done for today and you don't even have to talk anymore, but I want you to promise me that you'll listen and keep an open mind. I'm going to give you some things to think about between now and our next session, I think we're at a point now where we're going to make some significant progress.

She was trying to reassure Jay the best she knew how, all the while her heart was breaking for him. He had carried around this guilt for so long, had falsely believed that things were his fault for so long she wasn't sure what it was going to take to convince him otherwise. When she looked at Jay all she saw was bravery and strength and goodness, but would bet that when he looked in the mirror he saw something totally different. They had made significant progress today, she just needed to figure out how to convince him that he was not to blame for anything that had been done to him.  This was where things got complicated because he had blamed himself for so long, it was not going to be easy to convince him otherwise.

Jay's eyes flickered as Ashley asked him what would've happened if he had stayed quiet, where he would be today, and how many other people would've been hurt by him.
"If I had, a family would still have their son," he said. Damn it. If I had just....kept quiet, Ally would still have her brother, he thought to himself. He had gotten Ben killed. How could he handle that? Ally had dumped him for it, not that he blamed her. Ben was his fault. He knew it, the Corson's knew it, and know Ashley knew it. What am I going to do? he wondered. What could he do. He just wasn't sure, to be honest.

He then listened as she suggested that he take a couple of drinks from his water bottle and go outside to compose himself before coming back in, saying that they were almost done for the day and that he didn't have to talk anymore, but that she wanted him to promise her that he'd listen and keep an open mind as she was going to give him some things to think about before their next session, saying that she felt that they were at a point where they were going to make some significant progress.
"Yeah," he said, grabbing the water bottle and then walking out. He opened the bottle, twisting the cap off more violently than necessary and took a couple of swigs. He couldn't do this. He couldn't face the fact that he had gotten a kid killed for opening his mouth. Run, a part of him whispered. Run. Leave. And don't come back. But if he did that, Ashley would be forced to report that he wasn't fit for duty. And he didn't want that. No, he wanted to be cleared. He just...he didn't know what to do here.

Ashley smiled sadly, “While I don’t honestly believe that you keeping your mouth shut would have spared this other child for a minute, let’s pretend for a minute that I do. Even if he was still alive… how many more kids would have had to go through what you did? How many more families could have been devastated by his abuse? Let me tell you… not every child that is sexually abused goes on to make something out of themselves like you have. My second point is… what would keeping your mouth shut have done to you? I venture to say that you probably wouldn’t be sitting here with me today, and how many countless people have you saved or protected during your career?”

She saw the insecurity flash through his eyes, “I want you to get something straight Jay, I don’t think any less of you for anything that you have told me today… Anybody that does isn’t worth your time or energy. You’ve just spent so much time, years and years… blaming yourself for something that ultimately you had no control over that it’s going to take us some time to work through that, but once we do… you’ll be amazed the difference.”

When Jay answered with a simple yeah before he walked out Ashley’s mind started racing, maybe sending him outside when he was that upset wasn’t the brightest thing she’d ever done, but she had wanted to give him some privacy to compose himself. Using her time wisely she looked up this Rodiger man and any information she could find in connection to his case.

After gathering her information and watching Jay for a few minutes Ashley opened the door and stepped onto the porch with him. “You’re still here? I kind of figured you would have taken off by now. I feel bad for pushing you so hard today Jay, but we’re getting somewhere. I know it hurts and it’s raw, but if you don’t face it and work through it… it’ll never get any better.”

She smiled at him sadly, so here is what I want you to think about before you come back… because I want you to answer some questions next time. I want you to think about what your world would look like now if you hadn’t testified against this man, realistically. I want you to think of all the other boys that lived in that neighborhood past and present and tell me what their lives would be like, because I’m sure he wouldn’t have stopped with you.”

Sighing she looked at Jay, “I know they didn’t tell you this at the time, but I think you should know that Ben had been abused before he was killed. Looking back at Rodiger’s testimony he said that the reason Ben was killed is because HE wouldn’t keep quiet, not because of you. I think that the fact that it shook you up was just an added bonus.” She handed him a sealed manila envelope of everything that she had printed off that supported what she had just told him. “You don’t have to look at this until you’re ready, but everything I just told you is in there. When you’re ready to talk about all of this again, call me… but please don’t wait too long.”

OOC
Don't usually do this, but I'd like to advise that this particular post refers to the subject of suicide and to read at your own discretion.

Jay's eyes flickered as Ashley said that while she didn't believe for a minute that him keeping his mouth shut would've saved Ben, suggesting that they proposed that they did for a minute, asking how many kids Rodigar would've gone through what he had even if Ben had still been alive, how many other families would've been devastated, adding that not every abuse victim went on to make something of themselves.
"There are more of them that do than you think," he said softly. She then went on to ask him what keeping quiet would've gotten him, adding that she figured he wouldn't be sitting with her as well as how many people he had saved in his career. At this, he sighed. "I don't know," he murmured. It was something to think about, but at the same time, he just wasn't sure. He knew he was to blame for what had happened to Ben. His confidence had been growing thanks to Allie, he had been fighting back.

Outside of the house, he sighed and leaned against the wall of the house, slumping his shoulders. He should run. But if he did, where would he? Don't know what to do, he thought to himself. He needed to think this through. Well, sort of. He did and he kind of didn't want to run. IF he ran, he could just forget all of this, but there was a chance that he'd get written up and unfit for duty. And to be honest, he didn't want that. But at the same time, he didn't want to think about how he had failed Ben.

The sound of the door opening broke through his reverie and he turned and watched as she stepped outside, voicing her surprise that he was still there, saying that she had figured that he'd run.
"Thought about it," he admitted and then fell silent again as she apologized for pushing him, stating that they were making progress and that even though what he was feeling hurt and was raw, he'd never get over it if they didn't address it, resulting in a shrug from him.

His eyes flickered again as she continued on, saying that she wanted him to think about some things before he came back, specifically what his world would look like presently if he hadn't testified, to think about the other boys in the neighborhood, and what their lives would've been like, saying she was sure that it wouldn't have stopped with him.
"No need to think. Their lives would've been hell," he said softly. And I probably would've ended up killing myself, he thought to himself. It had crossed his mind a few times as a way to escape, but he knew that it wasn't the answer. Still...there had been some dark days back then.

He then looked at her in surprise as she revealed that Ben had been abused by Rodiger before being killed, saying that the man had revealed that he had killed the boy because he had come clean about the abuse and the fact that it had shaken him had just been a bonus.
"He was hurting Ben too?" he asked, his face going pale. And I never saw it. I didn't protect him. I took my eyes off of him. I should've paid better attention, he thought to himself as he took the envelope she handed him as she told him that he didn't have to look at the contents until he was ready but that it confirmed everything that she had told him, urging him to call her again when he was ready to talk but not to wait too long.

He was vaguely aware of himself sitting down and he uncapped the water, taking a drink. Oh damn. I screwed up, he thought to himself. He had missed the signs of what was happening with Ben because he had been too caught up in his own problems. What was he supposed to do with that?

OOC
I don't think Jay's musings on suicide go against PB TOS since it's just musings on how he felt and doesn't actually show anything. If, however, it does, let me know and I"ll adjust the post accordingly.

Ashley smiled and nodded when Jay admitted to the fact that he’d thought about running, “I wouldn’t have held it against you if you had… I had a feeling I was pushing too hard… should have backed off… I apologize.” When she saw him shrug she sighed, all she could hope for was that she hadn’t pushed him so hard that he wouldn’t trust her in the future. She usually prided herself in knowing when to stop and had obviously failed Jay in that respect today.

Ashley smiled sadly when Jay admitted that their lives would have been hell, “Yes they would have… and you know this because that monster made your life hell. He made your life hell but you were strong enough to speak up and do what you knew was right… and by doing that you probably saved countless other neighborhood boys from having to go through what you did.”

She saw the look of surprise on his face when she told him that Ben had been abused to. “Jay if you had kept quiet who knows how much longer he would have gone on hurting you and the other boys, you have to see that you did the right thing. If he had moved on to Ben too what would have kept him from finding more and more.” When Ashley noticed Jay’s face go pale she quietly instructed, “Drink some water… and breathe. I see those wheels turning in your head… You didn’t see it or know about it for the same reason nobody knew what was going on with you until you were ready for them to, Ben wasn’t ready to let anyone know.”

Ashley was prepared to end the session at that point, until she saw Jay sit down on her steps. She sighed sadly and sat down next to him, “I know I pushed you too hard today and just dropped a bombshell on you, but what is it? How can I help you see that none of this is your fault? The only person to blame here is Rodiger, not you… not Ben… not anyone else. The only one that could have changed anything that happened was him. He was the one with all the power making all the decisions… and I must say he did a pretty good job of doing things to mess with his victims.”

Jay's eyes clouded a bit as Ashley apologized and said that she wouldn't have held running against him as she had pushed too hard and should've backed down.
"No, it was---it was fine," he responded. "I'm just...trying to take this all in," he added. Not my fault. Couldn't have done anything, he thought to himself. Hey, that was a start, right? He just needed to process things.

He then nodded as Ashley agreed that Rodiger would've made their lives hell, reminding him that he knew it because the man had made his life hell until he had become strong enough to do the right thing, adding that if he had moved on to Ben, there was no way of telling if he would've moved on to other boys as well.
"Yeah, you're right," he agreed. "It's just....this is...it's thrown me a bit," he admitted.

He fell silent again as the woman pointed out once more that there was no telling how much longer Rodiger would've gone on hurting him and other boys and that he hadn't seen what was going on with Ben for the exact same reason no one had seen it going on with him: he didn't want anyone to know, telling him to drink some of his water and breathe. Without a word, he did so, trying to compose himself. What had he been thinking? Had been thinking?
"But if I had been paying attention, I would've recognized the signs and Allie wouldn't have lost her brother," he pointed out. As soon as he finished saying that, a part of him wanted to take it back. Ashley was right with everything that she had said, but still...there was still a part of him that felt like he was to blame for what had happened to Ben.

He turned to her as she said that she knew she had dropped a bombshell on him, asking him how she could help him see that nothing that had happened was his fault or the fault of Ben, and that only person to blame was Rodiger, reminding him that the man had been the one with all the power, making all the decisions, and that he had done a good job of messing with them.
"What if---he escalated---because of me? You know---learned from his mistakes? I threatened to tell and he attacked me. I survived, but maybe that made him figure out how to kill Ben," he theorized, absentmindedly fingering the scar on his right wrist. Would it have been better if Rodgier had killed him or if he had kept his mouth shut? No! He couldn't think like that! Ashley was right. This wasn't his fault. It was Rodiger's. He just had to keep reminding himself of that.